Love...

How many people can you honestly say know you on a deeper level then most of your other friends? I honestly have to say nobody I haven't truly opened up to anyone. I think the reason that I haven't opened up to anyone and left myself completely exposed is because the first person I opened up to couldn't keep a secret from anyone. so I withdrew myself and trusted nobody with my secrets. The last time that I revealed my secrets I was ripped away from those people and thrust back into an unknown place. These events left me emotionally drained and distraut. Again I withdrew and would not expose myself again because I knew that it was bound to happen again. As I observed my other friends I saw how they acted with their other friends and I saw a deeper level of connection that they had with each other. part of this was the history they had together from growing up with one another. I wanted that connection but I was held back by two fears one was once I open up to someone I would be taken away from them and be left alone again. my second fear was that if someone really got to know me they would reject me. the fear of being unlovable was tearing me apart. I am still getting to the point where I trust people with my secrets I also don't feel as if anyone is reaching out to me and to get to know me on a deeper level. I am also starting to understand how much god honestly loves me, because even though he knows all the crap that goes on in my life he still loves me for who I am and that will never change. I hope that I will overcome this fear and will be willing to leave myself completely exposed to someone else. Here is where I lay my heart out on the floor do with it what you will.

this is my 2 cents

Thoughts

As I look back on the past couple of weeks in my life I realize why the bible warns of the hardening of hearts. It is so fustrating as I look around and see how my heart has been hardened to what should bother me and what actually does... It is easy for me to point out the faults of others, but my own sins on the other hand it takes God to point it out to my own and that is when I break down. It rips me apart and I don't know how to stop it. It leaves me thinking where do I go from here I have tried to fix it and it doesn't seem to work. Brent said to us today during bible study for things to change your view of them. Tonight my views have changed my heart has been called back to where it was ment to be. Because I remember what it means to breathe yod hey vav hey that with every breathe I say gods name Yahweh. Tonight Brent gave our bible study the challenge to not only be good kids but to grow up in christ. He challenged us to see ourselves no longer as kids but as adults that have grown up in christ and to start that process. I want to begin that process today...

This is my 2 cents